From The Pages Of My Mind 1/1/2020 – Diary Entry

So, 2020 is here. It seems like a mountain to me. Yes, I have goals and I want to keep them.

I am not perfect and I mess up pretty frequently.

Crawling out of a hole is hard. But it’s better that you catch yourself before that hole gets deep. I am glad that I am able to do that now. Spiraling into a depression that I need psychiatric attention for is the last thing I want to do in the first few days of a new year. I started taking my multivitamin again, as well as a B-Complex vitamin.

Today, I got up and cleaned. The house was trashed from the holidays and when I woke up, I had the gumption to get it in order. I felt like I was getting my mind in order again.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Sometimes I get an attitude that causes me to stray from the Lord’s presence. I praise Him though because now, I am able to catch myself (with His help!) before I go so far, I need someone else to come in and pull me from the darkness that looks so near.

I’ve said before that devotionals are like a snack and it’s much better to open your Bible and read the Word. Word for word.  But now, I thank God for devotionals. When I’m in a state that I am straying from the Lord’s presence with my attitude, I can just grab a devotional book or my phone (and open the YouVersion app) and get a quick Word that starts to reshape my mind closer to the mind of Christ.

Each of us has things we can improve on as human beings. These past few days, I am looking at myself more and more; Examining myself and realizing how much more I want to be a better human. I have babies relying on me. Their future will be better if I’m better.

They are my reason and I thank God for motherhood. I love being a mommy. Sometimes I look at my oldest and tell him how much he means to me. But I keep my thoughts to myself. I don’t think I even have the words to say. Yes, Jesus is my ultimate savior; But I believe He uses motherhood to me focused.

I can’t let myself go. Especially with a 3-year-old and a newborn! They need me constantly and my daughter especially notices when I’m slipping.

All that being said…

I want this year to be big. Even monumental!

I already posted my goals. So I won’t go down a list. But I want 2020 to be a year of growth.

I think that grief from my Dad’s death creeps up on me. I can’t explain why I’m feeling what I feel, so I internalize. Then I start acting up.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept the Lord’s grace. Or to even believe that His grace can cover my moods. That is a fallacy in my reasoning that I need to nix ASAP. Either the cross is enough, or it’s not.

Those testimonies of people going to hell for hating someone scare me. I don’t hate anyone, but I do dislike a couple of people because of the inherent traits I see in them. I ask the Lord to help me with that.

The Bible says, “Be perfect. therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) In the context of the scripture, I believe Jesus was saying to perfect the way you love others. I could be more kind, accepting and compassionate. If I can conquer myself this year, I believe I will uproot some strongholds that have held me back for some time. Only with the Lord’s help can I do this.

 

 

 

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