History Of A Mind, Interrupted

I remember just being so out of it. And not in a normal way, like, “I had a bad day and I’ll be okay tomorrow.” No, every day, for weeks, the cycle went like this: Happy and totally fine in the morning, and in the evening; crying, like my life was a disaster. At 13, my mood swings started. And my mom knew that something was wrong with me. She’s told me that I was always an emotional little girl, but this was something different. Right away, she took me to get evaluated and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Then, my first psych ward stay I don’t remember just how long I stayed. But I do remember hearing of another girl being on a certain medication who had the same diagnosis as I did. Immediately, next time I saw the doctor, I suggested he start me on the same thing. And he did. I’ve been on different combinations of medicine since I was diagnosed, but now I am stable (Praise Jesus!) and have been on the same med combination for a couple of years now. The madness has gotten intense at different times in my life. Elevated or stabilized, depending on what life situation I was in and how I was taking care of myself. No matter if you have a mental health or physical health diagnosis or not, the way you take care of your body and the people you surround yourself with are going to affect your life. After being hospitalized several times already, at the age of 16, I went into a group home and stayed about 1 and 1/2 years. When I left, I went straight into foster car until I turned 18. I don’t know how many times I threatened to take my life when I would get seriously depressed, but definitely more than I can count. I never had a serious, near death attempt. But I have gotten to the point that I would rather have been dead than live with the moods my own mind took me through. I’d often say to my mom, “Why can’t I just be normal?” … When I started seeking God, for real, I think my depressive episodes got even more intense. Being unsure of whether there is a God who cared, and at the same time, wanting with everything I had in me to believe, I cried out to Him… Roughly 6 months after I started to get serious with God, I met my husband. And I won’t go into details, because I have another post telling of how we met. But that night, I cried out to the Lord, in desperation for Life that I never knew. And he answered me. I’m not saying the Lord had never answered my prayers before, but I had never experienced His love, his power, and His kindness. An intimacy that can only be between a soul and the Lord. Even after accepting Christ into my life, I’ve gone through depressions and mania. Never without Him by my side, though. And now, I experience “a peace that surpasses all understanding” (see Philippians 4:7), blessed with faith that the Lord’s grace has poured into my heart. No matter what I go through, I know the Lord already knows what’s going to happen next and that He has everything in control.

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